Look To the Hills (Chapter 1) pt. 4

The question was not how but when. I knew perfectly well that I needed to brave up and pull open the glass door, inquire at the front desk where Mrs. Hobbs in the admissions department was located in the building, and scout her out. But was I ready to make this step? My portfolio & 5 years of independent study would direct me to suppose I was... but was i mentally ready for this next step?

"Do you trust me?" It hit me like lightning. "Uh..." I hesitated, taken aback by His voice. "Do you trust me?" He repeated His question. "Yea, Lord.... sometimes I guess" I whispered under my breathe. Although I thought quietly to myself that I tended to only trust Him when it was convenient or easy or when I felt like it... "Do you dare not to trust me?" He asked with such intensity that I immediately felt conviction well up inside my soul... "No" I thought to myself.... No I definitely do not dare, to not trust you.

I briskly grabbed the entrance door and stepped into the grandiose lobby.

Look to the Hills (Chapter 1) pt. 3

As I approached the overbearing brick framework my thoughts ran about me. Wild & untamed they questioned my sanity for reaching this far. How could i do this? Why am I doing this? Doubt crept into my mind as I paced the exterior entrance, unable to make the next steps forward, through the doors, down the hall, to the admissions office. Oh heavens! That seemed far too far away. 

Fear had a heavy hand upon my person.... I was afraid of being disappointed, again, being rejected, unwanted. That seemed to define my life thus far, and for as long as I can remember I've strived for something better, more. Acceptance, acknowledgement someone who could see my dreams and help me fulfill them, these were the things I longed to find at Thorton University, but would I find them here?

Look to The Hills (Chapter 1) Second Section

The air was so crisp and clear, the sky whimsical and soft, my imagination whirling with excitement. I decided to give myself a moment to take it all in, so I placed my bags by my feet. Slowly I surveyed my destination. Six or more finely built brick buildings, which must have been the living quarters, were smartly laid out in a semi circle around a large fountain that seemed to be the central part of the Campus. Down the hill not too far from where I stood I noted more buildings two of which were grandeur in size, being nearly 6 stories high, they topped the rest of the buildings by a good 3 stories. Sitting adjacent to the larger buildings sat a small white church & yet still one more building with high arches & Glass windows that I supposed gave a lovely view of the entire University. 

I picked up my bags and decided to walk down the hill in hopes of finding where I was to check in. 

Look to the Hills-(Chapter I) a work in progress

If ever there had been a day that I would remember with tender affection it would be that day I found myself far away from home, in a foreign place, with unfamiliar people. I had by chance the year past found myself in a similar situation that I now found myself. In a small remote town I had never even heard of. The town was of little importance or significance or stature with no real predominate attractions it was located rather remotely between the rolling farm lands of Wheat & Corn. Nearly sixty miles away from Baltimore, Maryland is where i started my quest. It seemed an eternity to arrive as I eagerly waited with each passing turn the bus took to see our exit. As it finally came into view I watched the sun hit the ridges of the ever green hills that rolled around us. I took a breath, beautiful. My heart rate quickened as we progressed to the top of the hill. In a moment I knew that all would be revealed. Whatever lay below would play a key factor into where my life's road would lead. The hill peaked & there lay the beloved destination. "Home", I sighed. 

I quickly grabbed my sketchbook off of the empty seat next to me and carefully placed it along with the other equipment into the front sleeve of my briefcase, then stepped into the aisle and waited patiently for the other riders to exit. As I walked down the steps I turned to thank the driver and lifted my head as if to embrace a challenge, and stepped out to meet the curb.

The Blogger Challenge

Here is a cut and paste list of Christmas Questions I was challenged to answer. I don't know why I like these things, I'm sorry I know most of you find it to be lame.. but I think its fun & insightful!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper! I love to make my gifts look neat, plus I don't like that others can peek in bags, I'm big on surprises. Give me wrapping paper and LOTS of tape!

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real, the more fresh the better. I like to smell the beautiful pine. It gives a house a more Christmasy vibe, its crisp & homey.

3. When do you put up the tree? We try to put our tree up either right after Thanksgiving or a week after.

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually by early January.. the tree usually looks rather wilted around then, and its nice to get everything back to normal.

5. Do you like eggnog? I honestly think its disgusting, never again will I drink it!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My Roller Blades. I spent hours upon hours on our closed in back porch pretending to be a professional ice-skater. Best gift ever.

7. Hardest person to buy for? My Mom. Don't ask me why... I have no clue, perhaps because I want her to be able to use what I buy for her and like what I bought for her. We also have contrasting styles.. so perhaps I'm daunted by the idea of picking out something I don't like that I hope she likes? or that I like that I hope she might like even though she doesn't normally? hah (She is the most grateful person in the world when receiving gifts, and she is not picky, I just happen to be picky for her. hah!)

8. Easiest person to buy for? My brothers. Easy. They always want me to buy them nifty clothes, and that is SO fun and easy for me to do!

9. Do you have a nativity scene? We have several one larger and one little wooden one.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? MAIL! So much more personal, its something you can hold onto and have displayed in your house, on your frig... It means so much more to me if sent via mail. Much more thought goes into that.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A barbie. (4 years ago) What were they thinking?!!! Who knows. haha! I smiled and said thank you and gave them a hug, its the thought that counts!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Its a Wonderful Life. The best Christmas movie :)

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I tend to start and end my Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving. I don't much care for the mad rush of people and untidily arranged stores.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, but there are several I could have. Oh how I love white Elephant gift exchanges! ;)

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? A good cup of coffee and a homemade cinnamon bun.

16. Lights on the tree? Of course! I prefer white lights to colored lighting. Its more traditional & clean.

17. Favorite Christmas song? O Come O Come Emanuel.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay at home. :) stay in your night clothes until dinner. Then dress up.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Downer, Blitzen and Rudolf. (Who came up with these names anyways?)

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We have an angel. But I'm not opposed to having a star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning when everyone else is awake.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Impatient customers. I used to work in retail and I had a love/hate relationship with this time of the year in the stores. There are those people who are so sweet and accommodating and happy, then on the flip side those who you can't do anything right for... I can understand how shopping in a hectic climate all day can help to bring you to that state.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Our tree right now each ornament means something and has a little story to tell. :) I love this idea. I think I would myself go with a golden theme. Who knows. I can't wait to have my own house and family one day to come up with ideas for!

24. Favorite dessert for Christmas dinner? Nothing! Apple Cider?

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A relaxed wonderful fellowship time with perhaps a few games of cards?! :)

26. Any special Christmas traditions? WE have something called the "Christmas Angel" that comes to visit us on the three days before Christmas. The Christmas Angel always leaves a Christmas book for us to read and we always read it on Christmas night together. On Christmas Eve, we go to a candlelight service together as a family, come home eat a meal called shepherd's pie and all of us kids sleep in the same room and stay up late watching movies together. Then in the morning we can't go look or get our stockings until 6 am (we are normally wakened by the two little ones). We have to wait until 7 to open our presents with our whole family. We start with the youngest and work up to the oldest and open one gift at a time. I believe that this has instilled in us greater gratitude and an enjoyment of others receiving. I'm thankful for my parents leadership in this area! Every Christmas night (of course we have a fun dinner all together with my family also) we watch Jesus of Nazareth the first half of the movie of Jesus' birth together and have a discussion about what the movie means to us, and what it was trying to communicate. We like to have a time of worship also. 

Basically I have an amazing family, filled with fun & beautiful traditions. Christmas time for us have never been about receiving its always been about giving away, like Christ. Although some of my siblings are unable to give gifts because of finances they have always given of themselves in other significant and beautiful ways. In past years they have created services coupon books for family members entitling us to things like: One free I'll make you bed day, or.... One free clean up your room.... or one coffee date out with your brother. Sometimes these are far more special to me. I love their hearts to serve!

Memories

As a family tradition we always have a time where we each are able to share one special memory of those whose birthday it is. Tonight it was my Grandpa's birthday (G.P.) and since it was his special night we were able to share some of our favorite memories of him, and it got me to thinking... I really should post some of those things (since I'm prone to forget). :)

Some of my favorite memories of G.P. are when he took my cousin Katie & I on a camping trip in the "Griz" his R.V. that had a miniature statue of a grizzly bear on the dashboard. Unlike when he took the boy who went to Alaska we went right around the bend in Florida not 2 hours from where we lived. You would think we'd be bummed out by this idea, nope I think we may have been far more excited than the boys. A whole weekend with just Gram & Geep and ourselves. Glorious. We did everything from help navigate with the compass in the front seat of the Griz to help set up the overhang and hook up the R.V. to the Lot. One of my favorite weekends thats for sure.

G.P. & Gram also used to own a Self-Storage Rental place. I adored going over to visit them. They had this wonderful little garden in the back of their "house" and I used to spend hours playing make-believe. Me and my cousins used to play hide-and-go-seek in the Self-Storage buildings in the dark and would "tag people" with the light of the flash lights we would carry. We never wanted to stop playing that game. Sometimes G.P. & Gram would let Katie and I play "office" in the real office when visitors were not in, or the office was closed and G.P. would load us up with some old notebooks, calculators & pens. We used to pretend that we were helping people find, locate & purchase flights and help answer questions like the people at the airports do. :) While we were hard at work G.P. would get us two cups of ice cold Cranberry Juice & a napkin full of cheese-its. Till this day this is still one of our favorite snacks. G.P. really was the one that taught me how to drive, and helped distill in me a love for it. The day I turned 11 I was allowed to drive the golf cart all by myself to and fro around the mini storage. I spent hours upon hours parking in spare lots and backing out. He used to ride around with me and taught me about the right of way, yielding and all those valuable lessons.

They also used to own this house that my Aunt & Uncle & Cousins lived in. This house was so wonderful. I adore it. It had a beautiful back yard, & super cool pool with a rock fountain that leaks into it and a jacuzzi tub. I spent a lot of time in the pool... oh the memories! There was a lot next door that Katie & I used to explore, we thought there were gators there and would run and walk in zig-zagged lines just in case. Sometimes we would plan out what our line of action would be just in case a gator attacked us. We always did have wild imaginations. :)

G.P. also owned this canoe that he would allow us to take on the small lake behind their house. We tried to make fishing pools out of sticks and wire and a paperclip we sharpened with our pocket Knives. (haha) We would bait the "hooks" with bread and or little worms we dug up in the backyard. Needless to say we never caught anything. But we always had a grand time at it!

Past the little lake there was a park with a really cool board walk, we used to take walks or ride our bikes down there every week. I love that place.

G.P. was always big on NASA and watching the space shuttle or rockets being launched and Descending. We'd wake up at the crack of dawn to go and watch them boom their way into space, and he'd always stop by some restaurant on the way home to grab his cup of black & bitter coffee and either a good biscuit or a white powdered donut.

When Gram's mom died we had a funeral on the beach and tossed her remainings into the ocean "her love", then we sang a song. "There is a Day" We wept together, but G.P. wept the loudest. Till this day this still happens to be his favorite song, and every time He sings it, He weeps. (I love this about Him)

Episode- Fighting for Faith

For those of you who do not know... 4 months ago I had major reconstructive knee surgery on my right knee for a severed ACL. They did something called a hamstring graft. I have, by God's great mercy and beautiful grace healed miraculously faster than 90% of the average patient. What would normally be a 9-12 month recovery process has been for me only a 5-6 month recovery process. Thanks to being physically fit, having a pretty healthy functioning body, & a Strong will & lots of stubborn determination, I have been on a quick mend. God has been far more than good to me! Yet, as my knee has healed, I have unfortunately found I have some problem with my blood sugar & hemoglobin levels. 

Today was the second day that I have almost passed out during physical therapy. Basically I started a heavier load of reps and weights today and was almost hospitalized as my body was going into traumatic shock and I couldn't control myself from shaking. I was sweating profusely, and could barely keep myself from collapsing. The nurses had to come and check my blood level & blood pressure and were very concerned about the results. I am unable to continue with my physical therapy until my doctors have helped to level out and figure out what exactly is wrong with me. 

I am fighting for faith. This is just another trial for me, piled up on a whole huge pile of trials. I am fighting to understand, to see the grander picture. I just feel like as I'm finally "hearing" from God, finally getting "back to normal" something happens that hampers me from moving onward. My heart asks questions like: "Lord, what more do you want to teach me?" I want so badly to already "have learned" what He wants to teach me. I am so tired of trials. But I know that through them my Father is sculpting me into someone who is fit to be His Bride. I have seen so much good from the past trials, and I have learned to love and cherish those lessons and hard things He has taught me through them. He is drawling me closer to Himself. I want to learn to love the trials that He brings, its just Him saying He wants all of me, one-on-one, my full focus. I want to give it to Him.

I am Yours, Save Me.

You'd think I'd be worried about what steps follow after these. 

I would have assumed that much in my past, but no more.

Assurance, I tread on. Peace, I daydream unendingly of what is to be,

what I am, Eternity, my head rests. Sorrow that once purged my 

soul of joy has released my heart from the chains that bound it, I 

am free. Freedom is the song of my lips. As the chains fell, chills ran

through my veins, my heart leapt as if it beat for the first time. 

My chest heaved I breathed afresh, anew, for the first.

I take it all in, I am filled, and still there is boundlessness.

Overshadowed, fallen over, I am masked by my maker, and

stored in a crested place of gold & etched glass. As if He were

to say, "My Treasure of Great & Valuable Worth". His eyes meet

mine, light reflects off my person, and scatters hitting various 

objects that once seemed nonexistent, they are revealed. 

Caught in between living a dream & Waking in Hell. They know 

who they are. Shame & Misery stricken their souls, they see 

the true colors of short comings. Fallen. The light reflected warms 

the soil under their feet. They feel pleasure. He is delighted & They

are broken. Shadows fall from His presence. With a whisper it

gently find them and takes them up. They are owned. Veiled.

Protected. Adored. They are now added to the highest places.

Neighbors. Living with the same focus. "Beauty that made this Heart 

adore you" and Beauty that loved me first, housing me, using me.

I know not where I walk, but I walk with confidence that I am Christ's,

and where I go there He is also. Being used instrumentally building 

His Kingdom. What a Jewel of a Mission!

Fail.

A Series of pretty stinkin' amazingly funny videos that even your grandma will enjoy. literally. Check it out, you'll thank me later.

http://failblog.com/2008/08/21/drainage-fail/

http://failblog.com/2008/09/16/biological-fail/

http://failblog.com/2008/08/13/honking-fail/

A Step Back Into Kindergarden

Elyse M. Fitzpatrick wrote the following in the introductory part of her book: Because He Loves Me, which is primarily focused on specifics of God's abundant ever-flowing Love for us.

"Among those who would classify themselves as serious Christians, who study the Bible and want to Please God, my guess is that the thought of revisiting the gospel seems like a step back into kindergarten.....In your pursuit of godliness, have you left Jesus behind?... What does His transforming Love mean to you today? Are you more focused on your performance for him or his for you? At the end of the day is there a rest in your soul because of him or is there guilt and a determination that tomorrow your going to "do better? Do you still need to prove your not "all that bad"? Do you get angry when people criticize you or ignore you? You know that Jesus is the door. Do you see how He is your life? Could you tell me how exactly how he has changed your life?"

Earlier in the introductory she asked a great question that I hope to better answer after I finish reading this book:

"Where did the ongoing incarnation of Jesus Christ intersect with your life yesterday?"

My mom and I are planning to go through a study together of this book, and I can not wait to get started, I've put this book off for far too long and now I'm ready to jump into the pages and soak it in! Going "back to the basics", the centrality of my belief, and letting God speak afresh to me of His overwhelming love for me, I know i will be blown away once again. I need to be reminded of His love, I tend to focus as Ms. Fitzpatrick put it above, "on my performance for him.." more often than I focus "on his for me.".

Voluntary & Involuntary Isolation

Tonight at my amazing Care Group (lead By Scott & Kim Thomas) we were discussing & reviewing this past Sunday's Message, Encountering Emmanuel--Mary's Encounter. And we began to discuss various things about her response to the angel, to God, and to those around her. Here are some of the things we were thinking about Her response to what the Lord spoke to her:

1. When she was told she was to conceive a child through the work of the holy spirit, she asks the question "How Lord can this be done since I am a virgin?". We paralleled her response with that of Zacharius, for didn't He ask almost the same thing? The difference was Mary was not asking questioning God's power, she was asking out of curiosity and a desire for knowledge, where as Zacharius felt like he needed more proof than an angel telling him it would be so, he wanted a sign. Also it clearly states..."he did not believe". 

2. When she was told these things from the angel she had no one to confide in, who would believe her? Would her family disown her? The first person she was able to confide in was her much older cousin Mary who God directed her to travel to meet with.

3. Not once during all these first few months of her pregnancy did she doubt God, and wasn't it kind of God to bring people like Mary to prove that God did have his hand on this, that He was using her for a greater plan?

It was fascinating being able to dig deep together, oh how I LOVE my HUGE & wonderful care group! (We have nearly 30 people, hah yeah... a lot)

Later Scott directed us towards a time of prayer and mentioned two areas he felt like we were supposed to pray for, for those in our group. He mentioned those who desire to follow God with greater faith, who get distracted, and those who have voluntarily or involuntarily secluded themselves from the body of Christ.... Those who wanted prayer lifted their hands, and I lifted mine.

I explained to the group that unlike most who had already "explained" before me, I was not an either or, I was struggling with both voluntary and involuntary seclusion of the Body of Christ. Involuntarily seclusion started with my knee injury at the Clash it put me in a position to where I was having to pull back from relationships due to my pretty banged up state. It happened to be a good thing, because God at the time was convicting me of how much I been relying on others faith and not really living my own faith. God also was revealing to me that I believed I was defined by my "friends" that I NEED those friendships because they "are apart of me". He through this whole trial stripped me down to nothing and gentle spoke to me "No, I define you.". I had made these friendships idols in my life. Although God was doing good and great things in my heart and life through this injury as time progressed and I began to heal instead of plugging back into older relationship to serve & love & care for others I became complacent and lazy. I realized that "that friendship stuff with those particular people...thats hard work... and I don't think I'm up for hard... so I'll just stay at home... be with my family... stick with my closest friends... I mean I've been hurt in the past by those other friendships, so whats the point of me trying anyhow? I feel content and happy where I am right now..."

My heart was not to serve, but to be served I had become very self-focused, and as I was confessing this I realized there was more that God was after in my own heart,  I began to share with them about how my past dispute with two other girls in our College Ministry took place over the issue Biblical Feminity, although it had been "resolved" I had still held some embitterment towards one of the girls and it wasn't until tonight that I truly began to see this issue fully. 

Ruth Ballard, my dear sweet friend Mandy, Alan Ballard & Randy McDowell (aka Uncle Randy) prayed over me. And out of the Blue Alan Ballard shares this picture he has for me which would have seemed completely random, but fit so perfectly in God's plan for me tonight. The picture was this: It was me  embracing 3 younger teen girls extending love and care, being an example to them, I had a heart to serve and building them up in the things of the Lord. 

I began to weep.

Let me explain why. The Lord has given me a true heart for the youth of this nation, in this world. I have such faith for them to grow, I love to serve them, to be apart of their lives. While he shared this picture with me, God spoke to me, "You love my children, yet you do not LOVE my children." I understood. I forgot that Those two girls I was hurt by, they are God's children. How can I love youth & not LOVE them?! I had in my heart and mind written them off of "God's children's list" I had condemned them to Hell. Where was my compassion my love for God's children? Why was it so hard for me to overlook their wrongs when I have wronged so many? 

God softened my heart tonight, I confessed my sin, I desire true repentance, true reconciliation. I can not wait to talk to these friends who I have kept away from for so long, because it was "too much work". Tonight I feel a burden has been lifted, my Savior is carrying it tonight.

Song Writing Craze

These past couple of weeks I have been focusing on this particular exhortation of Scripture:

2 Timothy 4: 1-5

"I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is the judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and they will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."

Honestly I find this passage to be so completely rich, there is much to  "take out"  and dissect. Obviously there is an encouragement to be "doers" and studiers of the word.... "preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort with COMPLETE patience and teaching."  and not merely "believers" or hearers. We also find a contrast between two individuals one who lives the calling and one who strays and pursues "their own passions...and turn away from....the truth and wander...". 

Over these past two weeks of meditation and prayer I began to write a song during my quiet time one morning, and bequeathed it: "The Charge of Christ". I believe God's desire through this song was to encourage us to be even more "Christ-like" in our pursuit of preaching the Gospel through our lives, displaying itself more specifically with how we forbear with others believers and non-believers alike, through our humility and our service oriented hearts, showing compassion and love to those who do not love, suffering with those who suffer, extending grace to those who extend none themselves. I know that the Lord is wanting this for me, and is a daily battle to fight against my own selfish desires and my own proud heart. In my flesh, handing over my life to Christ is humiliating, it takes me out of "my zone", I am  WAY uncomfortable with being "out of control" of things. Pride, more specifically, Fear of Man is a BIG one for me, and is something that God is desiring to break down in my life, and he has piece by piece and at times bolder by bolder. I am so grateful! This song is a simple exhortation to allow God to take another piece out of that wall (whatever it may be, your lack of faith, Pride, Fear of Man, Fear of lack of knowledge...) so that you are less hindered with yourself and can be used as greater instruments in building up the Kingdom of God!

Charge of Christ (copywrited)

written by: Courtney Cooke

I charge you with Christ,

In the presence of my Lord I

 call you to live like you've died.

And I charge you with Faith 

To stand firm to stand in place.

And i charge you with Love

to hold onto those who hate his ways, oh

And I charge you with Mercy

to give to those who hate the cross

Be like Christ, Be like Christ

Be like Christ, Be like your Savior

Give your life, Take up the Cross

Be like Christ, Be like Christ

I charge you to suffer with those who suffer

and cry the tears of life, of life with them

and I charge you to grace to extend in abundance 

showing love through His name

Be like Christ, Be like Him

Be Like Christ, Be like your Savior

OH! Give you life, and take up the Cross

Be like Christ, Be like Christ