Testimony..bear with me.

To Start I'd like to quote a friend of mine, and say that although my testimony is "simple" in that I don't' believe it will bring many to a saving faith, it is nevertheless just as significant and beautiful in the eyes of my Savior, in that I've been pardoned and spared from my sin.

Well, I grew up in the church. Daddy being the pastor of a PCA church of Christ, I grew up thinking I had to be a Christian not that (I) had the choice, but its something I would be MADE to be. I’m not sure whether that was God’s sovereign way of saying to me that I was chosen but He had given (me) a freewill. This pressure of feeling of being MADE to be a Christian rather than being CALLED or CHOSEN to be one didn’t come through my parents in the least, but rather the church I had been born into. Although I was only 4-6 years old I still understood this “pressure” and quite frankly fear of man, and lack of knowledge and discernment kept me from asking more questions, about Christianity, and about how that might affect my life. But one day my dad being the sweet and great man of God he is, set me aside in the auditorium after the Sunday Service ( I had been waiting for him ) and asked me if I would like to know Jesus and who he is. I told him I did. And I believe that was the very day I asked Jesus into my life.

But it wasn’t until much later that I would live out what I believe and take it as my own. I relied on my parents beliefs for years, partially because I was afraid to live it out on my own, and also because I wasn’t quite sure how to.

I had always grown up as a “good girl” one who was always described as sincere, passionate, but had a will of her own. Well… God’s will always ended up getting in the way of my plans ( like their my plans to begin with ), and soon enough I came to find that I had been harboring bitterness in my heart towards the things of the Lord. For some strange reason this scared me. I know God has instilled in us some sort of understanding of morality, but this struck home with me. Maybe this is why I had not seen the fruit of Salvation? I believed truly believed that I was my own Savior.

Growing up in a house full of boys my life was ALWAYS surrounded by guys. God could have not graciously spared me from the awkward teen years and I could have easily been in a state of rebellion towards him in that area (i.e. relationships) had he not made me a tomboy. Being not interested in boys was such a gift, bc as I grew I was able to keep my friendships b/w guys the same without them thinking I was interested in them or had an ulterior motive. Now obviously I'm not the girl I once was, I appreciate Biblical Femininity and all that it has to offer me. My mom was a key instrument used by God to help instill these desires of Feminine things into my soul, I am SO grateful for her perseverance. I fear it was no easy task.

I moved from school to school all private until about 6th grade when we moved from Florida to Maryland (in MD I was home schooled). It was here (Maryland) that I started taking the first steps of my “baby faith”. God surrounded me by not only good friends that constantly provoked me to live out the Gospel, and to give Christ my all in all, but surrounded me by my family and gave me a new appreciation for their friendship in my life each in different, specific ways. My mom and my relationship has never been the best, partially because we are SO much alike in our sin patterns that its sometimes can be discouraging to be around each other, bc we see the same pattern of sin in our own lives. But being kind of “stuck" together on a farm in the middle of nowhere made us both deal with these issues at hand, and in the end brought us closer together. It became a Joy for me to serve my family, and a privilege to lay my life down, or so I thought…

Moving From Maryland to Georgia was a huge step for me. To lay down everything I own all of (what I thought were) my future plans… and go plant a church in the middle of nowhere… My pride wanted me to come here and self-righteously judge all those who live here. But a good friend of mine Charissa Gailbraith once said something to me that has always stuck to my heart. “Courtney, God is calling you to be His servant. He wants to use you for the building of His kingdom! How glorious is that!” I was instantaneously convicted… it struck home…. I didn’t find it glorious to build his kingdom in Georgia I wanted something greater, sadly I believed I deserved something greater…. See I still believed I was my own God... and that I deserved more than God's best...

Since living here my heart towards this place and towards these people have drastically changed. I came thinking this was a God forsaken place where everyone said they were a Christian and nobody lived a life that would prove it, that Churches we're a place to show up and show off, and that no-one was in the least formally educated. haha Yeah you can def. see where my heart was... Can you say "Proud"? Over time God challenged my views and softened my heart towards these people that I had been So judgmental towards, so self-Righteous towards. And now I can not think of living anywhere else. These people that surround me are my home, they are my source of joy, I am INCOMPLETE without them. They are so much apart of me that I fear should I leave I would be so much less, and be lacking in so many areas I'd fear I'd know what to do with myself. They have been instruments of Grace used to chip away bitterness and self-sufficiency in my own life and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Now I'm not perfect and living here by-no-means has made me this way. I still sin and I still struggle... oh man... ALOT.. but God remains faithful to not let me stay in the same place, he is constantly challenging me and my walk of faith and changing my often times hard heart. His Grace is more than enough for my sin. Some recent struggles I've been facing is believing that my Salvation is simple and less glorious than those who have been saved from horrific pasts. I can be deceived to think that they can be more passionate knowing they were saved from so much and they have specific ready examples in which they can look back on and say "LOOK, I'M SPARED EVERY DAY FROM THIS!!!" Whereas I can't really look back and say that. Now mind you its not that I'm grateful that he's saved me from years of upright rebellion against him, but in some ways I'm saddened to think that I can see my salvation and be less grateful than most. (does this make sense?) I know that I'm not remembering the power and character of God in those moments... and I'm lacking in understanding his grace... I long to have these thoughts wiped clean from my mind.

Another struggle I recently have faced is Learning how to discern. Discern in relationships b/w guys and girls, discernment in my speech, discernment in my knowledge and understanding of the world. I want to live a life of humble orthodoxy, and I know that God is readying me so that I might take that next step. I have a desire and I have had the teaching now its time to put my discernment into effect, throwing away all my laziness aside. I am physced about discerning in future days!

As a close I'd like to post something My friend David Wesolowski once said to me about himself, which I believe applies in every way to me:

" I understand very well I am naturally flawed and completely lost without Him. Yet, I sometimes think I am super-Dave and have a supernatural ability to excel in life without Him. That is usually when He gets my attention and I, yet again, realize I am just a wave tossed in the sea. A speck of sand on a beach…..yet beautiful in His eyes......sometimes it is just so hard to even comprehend the mercy God has shown to me. "