Where you at?

Basically I've been seeking counsel from my parents and others in the church about going to school this spring, and I've been praying about it pretty consistently.

Where do I think God is calling me to be at this time in my life?:

I'm pretty set that he wants me still at home still working for the church. I have a desire to take classes and to learn as much as I possibly can, but would I be taking classes for the right reasons? I find that alot of my "desire" to take classes is really a "pressure'' to take classes. This pressure would come from the majority of my friends and family ( not intimate mind you) who find it absolutely absurd to live my life at home with my family and to be working under my father. The lies of this world tempt me to want to make a "name for myself" to be successful, to have a degree so people will think well of me, to prove to the world that I'm not a failure in their eyes because I did go to school and I have a sucessful career as an aftereffect. As of right now I'd be taking these courses for the wrong reasons and what a waste that would in the end be!

But whats the true desire of my heart?:

To love and follow my Lord and Savior. To oneday be a wife and mother who seeks after the things of the Lord and who purposely practices putting into place humility in her life. I want to lay down everything I have and all that I am and all that I lack in being to serve my King. So where am I heading now? Truthfully, I don't know. I will be living at home again for at least another year. I have signed on for another year at least at Crossway I still intend to work for Faith every Wednesday and once a month on Friday nights. I hope to start with serving with the Y&P in the spring and being more purposeful with the younger girls and planning Bible Studies or accountability groups between them. I want to continue to learn and soak in as much as I possibly can from my family, but especially from my mom as she prepares me for my future family. I'm currently working on writing music and recently recording those writtings. After that who knows what God has in store for me. I'm open to anything new and exciting that God has coming my way. I'm excited about life, excited about the future Glory of Jesus Christ.


My Friend said this to me in response to our conversation:

"I can understand the pressures from others about pursuing classes and a position for yourself. In their eyes it seems like you are wasting your time and being foolish. However sometimes God longs for us to do the odd thing and trust in his soverignty and leading. Usually we lack the faith in God and constantly question whether we are following his will. (I do that all the time!) I hope that your faith continues to grow and that you can humbly walk joyfully with God during this time. A verse from Sunday reminded me about the stuff you shared. " I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2 When you truly reflect on that verse, God's soverignty brings so much peace to our crazy, confusing, and uncertain lives."


MY Thoughts:

So true! Consistenly I fall short and lack faith about following God's will. You see I doubt myself, my own reasoning for doing certain things in hopes that they are what God wills, that I become paralyzed and feel incapable of making any decisions on my own. I want SO badly for God to direct and guide me yet I am so fearful of making a mistake and doing what I want & missing out on what God could have for me. What it comes down to (not so suprisingly) is my Pride and not wanting to see my sin. I'm a proud young woman who HATES to be humbled in and of myself. I desire to be a righteous woman, but I don't want to see where I messed up (my sin) to learn how to turn from it and lead a life of righteousness. I just want it without the sin, without seeing my problems. In all actuality I believe sometimes I want to be God with all of His perfection, and oh boy! I try so hard. I fail to remember that I am being perfected through battling this sin with the Holy Spirit, that I am now counted righteous because of Jesus Christ. I fail to see and remember the grace given to me.

Shh... Its a secret!!

Yes the rumor is true I have indeed started some basic recording again. With my friends Brian & Zach Wetzel who are members of my church family Crossway Fellowship.

Brian is a talented and humble young writer who feels compelled to write lyrics that provoke the Gospel, he has a natural earthy more laid back feel to his style. All of his recent writings revolve around worshiping his Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

Zach comes along side his older brother with much the same earthy worshipful laid back feel. He brings a level of musical understanding that is both insightful and helpful. He is a rhythmic player, and brings us much laughter as he is constantly joking around. His joy obviously comes from his Love of God. He is a passionate pursuer of righteousness.

I was asked to be apart of this recording after the Wetzel brothers (as I commonly refer to them as) had prayed about it and talked it through. I was humbled by their request to have me apart, I know that they could have found someone more qualified for the task than I some one of their friends perhaps with more talent whose had more experience. I am blessed and honored to be able to join their musical endeavors.

Monday morning we got together in their studio (which is located in their house) and looked through our "options" we actually accomplished more than I thought we would. We designated which songs we would chose to have on the CD practiced several of them and pre-prerecorded one of them.

I have enjoyed this more "laid back" approach to recording. We started with prayer (totally new for me it would have gone totally against "how we did it" in my past recording days.) Seeking the Lords guidance as we begin this new task. We laughed alot as I messed up and we kept singing anyways. Something else new for me... I'm not just singing I am playing the guitar and piano... never done that before. I was surprised to find that i was not nervous about this. God's Grace!

I'm not at liberty to tell you what we are recording currently because yes it is a Christmas surprise :)... You will just have to wait and see. But what I can tell you is that our main goal in recording is to glorify God.

If you do not mind I would LOVE to have prayer for this. That God would use us, use our giftings to provoke the Gospel in the Unbelievers that this will reach or that our lack of gifting would not distract from how God would wish to speak, that we would remain humble and give all the Glory to God. I'm excited to see where this will lead!!

Tread onward.

Today my post is simple, for I am simple minded today.

Simply I'm in a season of waiting for the Lord's Will to be revealed.

My questions that I seek to have answered would those be pertaining to schooling.

Should I go to school? Would it be a good financial desicision?

If I do decide to go to school, should I quite working, or work part-time?

What would be the reasoning for me going to school?

How Might I use my "furthered education" to serve the body of Christ?

I have so much to ask. I need so much guidance. Thankfully I don't feel overwhelmed.

I am content (suprisingly) to be where he has me, and its been such a joy!

My parents have been used as a wonderful means of wisdom and insight in this area.

I'm so grateful for how they invest in my life! And the interest they take in my future.

My patience in this waiting season is mainly due to the fact that it has been modeled

for me through my parents. Even as we sit to talk through future plans they continue

to remind me that these plans are not "my" plans they are all the Lord's. This is such

a helpful reminder! I can get ahead of God by planning "my" future. That I lose sight

of the Bigger picture, its "His" plans and always has been. He has so much more for

In store for me, a greater calling.

We'll see what happens in the days to come, weeks to come.

Please keep me in your prayers. (Oh how I need them!)

Lyrical Melodies

Hey Everyone I know its been sometime since my last post. This week God has just really impressed me with his love for me, and trying to teach me whats my purpose in life, why in the end do all things matter. In this post I hope to share with you some music I have semi-completed writing. The first song is about Grace ("his love for me") and the second being, When all is said and done ("my purpose in life"). These songs are always open for critique or observations. So please I welcome your input. But be aware that I may refrain from using your ideas, should I feel they could mess with the song lyrically, scripturally, or even musically. I am always grateful for your comments though!
______________________________________
Below is a song that I partially wrote about oh gee 6 1/2 years ago. I happened upon it as I was going through some old binders I have stored in my closet, and thought wow this (unlike alot of my older music writing) had something special to it. I picked it up grabbed my guitar and what did you know? It just fit. Its real legato (flowy) & soft. Which would be very descriptive of my writing style, laid back worshipful, at times folksy.... Well anyways I happened to finish writing it today, and I must say I like it.


Grace

Verse 1:

Love unnoticed humbly came,
Created to take my blame
How can I understand, this kind of love?
Love was nailed to a cross
Cursed, abandoned, and crushed,
Just for the sake, the sake of Love.

Verse 2:

No understanding could I find,
Reasoning for sparing my life,
No good have I done
yet by the good works of your son.
Teachings many has he gave,
Thousands yet he hopes to save,
Crying out for you to hear,
burdened now to save from fear,

Chorus:

Of death, of death eternal,
with your wrath fully on them now.
Please spare! Please spare your children!
I'll take it all upon myself.

Verse 3:

Grace unmeasured vast and free,
saved me from an eternity.
Where hate and wrath prevail,
yet he still bore the nails,
that where meant for my feet,
for my hands meant to bleed,
yet on him we still depend,
gracious father, merciful man.

Chorus:

What grace? Could I define such grace?
This overwhelms and challenges my week thoughts.
Such grace! What mercy displayed!
I stand amazed in light of your grace.

Bridge:

For you are glorious,
and your reign is victorious,
and your fame is all over us,
and I stand amazed (x2)

Chorus:

What grace? What grace unending!
Undeserved, unmeasured, unmerited grace!
Such grace? I marvel now in light of your grace.

____________________________________
Again since I went looking through my old written lyrics I happened to find this partially written sheet of music. I'm not exactly done with the writing of it, but I'll keep you posted for when it does happen to be completed. Personally if you merely read the lyrics they can sound a bit cheesy and "kid-like" please take into consideration that 6-7 years ago I was a child. Being merely 12/13 years old. Anyhow.... hope you enjoy it, Here you are:

When its all said and done

Verse 1:

Time is ticking clearly stating times running out.
Every Minute every hour feels like I'm slowly die-ing.
Day by day night by night wondering,
if I will in the end put up a fight,
Or will I walk away with nothing left to say,
Carrying cowardly my own disgrace?

Chorus:

I wanna be your shadow
So all can see you move in me.
I want to be your echo,
so that all will hear you speak through me.
I want to be your servant,
So all will see I follow Thee
father lead me on.

My heart weeps with those who weep....

As we were walking this past Friday night in downtown Atlanta ( we were going to see the Nickle Creek Concert at the FOX ), we being Christina, Tara and I, witnessed a man/student get hit by a car.

At first I wasn't sure how to respond, seeing the car and then the body lying a pretty good distance from the vehicle. I couldn't believe how fast life can end. One moment content happy, the next facing death, and possibly for him an eternity in hell.

My heart was breaking as I tried not to panic or faint at the sight of his blood pouring out of his back and neck and puddled around him. And as the policeman calmly and gently talked into his ear comforting peaceful words. Words to encourage him on, to continue to live to continue breathe. Gently he laid the students backpack beneath his head.

My heart was racing. Searching, questioning God and his sovereignty in that moment. Anger built within my heart towards the careless driver who hit him, who did not see him. But in an instant my anger melted. And all I could think of was where his life was headed. Would someone speak to him the truth of the Gospel? Would they lead him to the resting place of ultimate peace, ultimate satisfaction? I prayed as we finally decided to leave the scene of the accident, being that there was nothing more we could do.

My heart burdened for him, my soul crying out for a miracle of salvation in this mans life should he not already be saved by the Blood of Jesus Christ. Heavy was the load I was carrying for him, so heavy that I could barely continue to walk & think clearly.

But Tara comforted my mind with these words. "I can't dwell on this anymore. I have to leave it in the hands of God, and know that he is good and sovereign."

I have to believe that He is who He says He is in every circumstance whether it be in prosperity or in trial. I need to believe the truths of his Word in those moments, the truths of the Gospel. This is my attempt of putting that "blind faith" into action. I not only need to think I believe it, I need to vocalize it.

Once vocalizing it to myself as I stood outside the Fox Theater the burden was released. My joy regained, my hope restored.

Life is such a beautiful thing, yet sometimes it takes a instance like this for us to remember what in the end really matters in life. Its puts my life into prospective and asks the question: "Was living a life of temporary satisfaction in the end worth it?". When all is said and done what really matters most in life

Ravi Zacharias

Ravi I have personally found, is not only a intense apologist, but a rather eloquent and plain spoken speaker. Now heres a little history about Ravi I found on Wikipedia: "Ravi Zacharias (full name Frederick Antony Ravi Kumar Zacharias, born 1946) is an Indian-born, Canadian-American evangelical Christian philosopher,apologist and evangelist. Zacharias is a descendant of two rich religious traditions,first Hindu priests (of the Nambudiri Brahmin caste), and later as Christian ministers. In one of his lectures, Zacharias asserts that a Swiss-German priest spoke to one of his ancestors about Christianity, and thereafter that branch of the family was converted and the family name was changed from Nambudiri to Zacharias. The biography Zacharias offers about himself is that he grew up in a nominally Anglican household, and was an atheist until the age of 21, when he unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide by swallowing poison. According to one of his books (Cries of the Heart), someone instructed his mother to read out the Gospel of John to him as he lay on a hospital bed in Delhi. Following that, he made the decision to become a Christian. He began preaching while still in his teens, and in 1974, shortly before the Khmer Rouge took over Cambodia, he was sent there to minister to the people in the country. He was also sent to Vietnam during the Vietnam War to minister to U.S. soldiers." My reason for discussing Ravi Zacharias: I went to his discussion this past Thursday and he spoke on Heaven, Hell and Middle Ground. Basically he proved that there is no middle ground therefore meaning there must be a heaven and a hell. What he failed to prove in his discussion on Thursday night, to those who were unbelievers was there is actually a God in the first place. And why we are in need of a God, also failed to prove to unbelievers that we in and of ourselves are fallen wicked men. Although he believes these, he failed to communicate as to why he believes them and how he got to that state. I guess that would have taken far too long for him to discuss with us...but yeah he also touched on Plurization and Secularization and that as a society in America we have adopted to these methods of thinking. That everything is subjective. And everything is truth and not truth it strictly depends on those who hear it, and how they interpret things individually. The result of Pluralization, as Ravi defined it, is a society without reason, without the capability to have "thought", because everything is subjective to ones own beliefs, and the result of a Secularized society is a world without shame, no morality, no either or's with "right" or "wrong" it would be Both right and wrong, never having a distinguished view between the two. I greatly appreciated his thoughts on the matter of Pluralization and Secularization, for I believe this is something we desperately needed to hear again in the great city of Athens, Georgia. Being in the midst of a University, a public liberal college mind you, we easily have adapted to these "taught ways of life". And as a believer in the midst of this Pluralized Secular State, we can be easily led astray into our countries "cultural" mindset, "Do what feels good, according to your own standards of morality". If we each have our own standards of "morality" and each differ from one another than we have no morality to begin with. This is what Ravi was speaking about having no shame. We have no shame when in this state because everything is set according to our own interpretation of morality. How his teaching specifically applies to me: I think I can drift towards the secular mindset of: "truth is subjective to what I believe" I'm more prone to think this way in the midst of correction, i.e. from parents, of from Chris. Thinking thoughts like "Well thats good for you to bring me these corrections which you believe by your own standards are truth ( which indeed they are truth considering they try to base their observations on the Word of God ), but at this present moment I don't want to believe that this is truth, infact your "truth" differs greatly from mine. So whats the point in listening, or taking in your observations to heart?" Sadly this responce is my pride and although I do not think these thoughts nearly as much as i have in the past it is still a struggle to think with this mindset.

Testimony..bear with me.

To Start I'd like to quote a friend of mine, and say that although my testimony is "simple" in that I don't' believe it will bring many to a saving faith, it is nevertheless just as significant and beautiful in the eyes of my Savior, in that I've been pardoned and spared from my sin.

Well, I grew up in the church. Daddy being the pastor of a PCA church of Christ, I grew up thinking I had to be a Christian not that (I) had the choice, but its something I would be MADE to be. I’m not sure whether that was God’s sovereign way of saying to me that I was chosen but He had given (me) a freewill. This pressure of feeling of being MADE to be a Christian rather than being CALLED or CHOSEN to be one didn’t come through my parents in the least, but rather the church I had been born into. Although I was only 4-6 years old I still understood this “pressure” and quite frankly fear of man, and lack of knowledge and discernment kept me from asking more questions, about Christianity, and about how that might affect my life. But one day my dad being the sweet and great man of God he is, set me aside in the auditorium after the Sunday Service ( I had been waiting for him ) and asked me if I would like to know Jesus and who he is. I told him I did. And I believe that was the very day I asked Jesus into my life.

But it wasn’t until much later that I would live out what I believe and take it as my own. I relied on my parents beliefs for years, partially because I was afraid to live it out on my own, and also because I wasn’t quite sure how to.

I had always grown up as a “good girl” one who was always described as sincere, passionate, but had a will of her own. Well… God’s will always ended up getting in the way of my plans ( like their my plans to begin with ), and soon enough I came to find that I had been harboring bitterness in my heart towards the things of the Lord. For some strange reason this scared me. I know God has instilled in us some sort of understanding of morality, but this struck home with me. Maybe this is why I had not seen the fruit of Salvation? I believed truly believed that I was my own Savior.

Growing up in a house full of boys my life was ALWAYS surrounded by guys. God could have not graciously spared me from the awkward teen years and I could have easily been in a state of rebellion towards him in that area (i.e. relationships) had he not made me a tomboy. Being not interested in boys was such a gift, bc as I grew I was able to keep my friendships b/w guys the same without them thinking I was interested in them or had an ulterior motive. Now obviously I'm not the girl I once was, I appreciate Biblical Femininity and all that it has to offer me. My mom was a key instrument used by God to help instill these desires of Feminine things into my soul, I am SO grateful for her perseverance. I fear it was no easy task.

I moved from school to school all private until about 6th grade when we moved from Florida to Maryland (in MD I was home schooled). It was here (Maryland) that I started taking the first steps of my “baby faith”. God surrounded me by not only good friends that constantly provoked me to live out the Gospel, and to give Christ my all in all, but surrounded me by my family and gave me a new appreciation for their friendship in my life each in different, specific ways. My mom and my relationship has never been the best, partially because we are SO much alike in our sin patterns that its sometimes can be discouraging to be around each other, bc we see the same pattern of sin in our own lives. But being kind of “stuck" together on a farm in the middle of nowhere made us both deal with these issues at hand, and in the end brought us closer together. It became a Joy for me to serve my family, and a privilege to lay my life down, or so I thought…

Moving From Maryland to Georgia was a huge step for me. To lay down everything I own all of (what I thought were) my future plans… and go plant a church in the middle of nowhere… My pride wanted me to come here and self-righteously judge all those who live here. But a good friend of mine Charissa Gailbraith once said something to me that has always stuck to my heart. “Courtney, God is calling you to be His servant. He wants to use you for the building of His kingdom! How glorious is that!” I was instantaneously convicted… it struck home…. I didn’t find it glorious to build his kingdom in Georgia I wanted something greater, sadly I believed I deserved something greater…. See I still believed I was my own God... and that I deserved more than God's best...

Since living here my heart towards this place and towards these people have drastically changed. I came thinking this was a God forsaken place where everyone said they were a Christian and nobody lived a life that would prove it, that Churches we're a place to show up and show off, and that no-one was in the least formally educated. haha Yeah you can def. see where my heart was... Can you say "Proud"? Over time God challenged my views and softened my heart towards these people that I had been So judgmental towards, so self-Righteous towards. And now I can not think of living anywhere else. These people that surround me are my home, they are my source of joy, I am INCOMPLETE without them. They are so much apart of me that I fear should I leave I would be so much less, and be lacking in so many areas I'd fear I'd know what to do with myself. They have been instruments of Grace used to chip away bitterness and self-sufficiency in my own life and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Now I'm not perfect and living here by-no-means has made me this way. I still sin and I still struggle... oh man... ALOT.. but God remains faithful to not let me stay in the same place, he is constantly challenging me and my walk of faith and changing my often times hard heart. His Grace is more than enough for my sin. Some recent struggles I've been facing is believing that my Salvation is simple and less glorious than those who have been saved from horrific pasts. I can be deceived to think that they can be more passionate knowing they were saved from so much and they have specific ready examples in which they can look back on and say "LOOK, I'M SPARED EVERY DAY FROM THIS!!!" Whereas I can't really look back and say that. Now mind you its not that I'm grateful that he's saved me from years of upright rebellion against him, but in some ways I'm saddened to think that I can see my salvation and be less grateful than most. (does this make sense?) I know that I'm not remembering the power and character of God in those moments... and I'm lacking in understanding his grace... I long to have these thoughts wiped clean from my mind.

Another struggle I recently have faced is Learning how to discern. Discern in relationships b/w guys and girls, discernment in my speech, discernment in my knowledge and understanding of the world. I want to live a life of humble orthodoxy, and I know that God is readying me so that I might take that next step. I have a desire and I have had the teaching now its time to put my discernment into effect, throwing away all my laziness aside. I am physced about discerning in future days!

As a close I'd like to post something My friend David Wesolowski once said to me about himself, which I believe applies in every way to me:

" I understand very well I am naturally flawed and completely lost without Him. Yet, I sometimes think I am super-Dave and have a supernatural ability to excel in life without Him. That is usually when He gets my attention and I, yet again, realize I am just a wave tossed in the sea. A speck of sand on a beach…..yet beautiful in His eyes......sometimes it is just so hard to even comprehend the mercy God has shown to me. "